after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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