I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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