Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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