He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
