My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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