i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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