after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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