awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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