That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
