Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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