my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
