Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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