Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
