I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
