Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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