In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
