You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
