i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
