I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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