Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
