do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
