We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We are two peas in an std pod
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
