Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
