I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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