During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
