she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
