bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
