WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
