worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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