I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
