He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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