I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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