Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
