Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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