If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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