lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
