If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
