he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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