My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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