He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
even my farts smell like vagina
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
