He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
