Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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