You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
