i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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