So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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