I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
