if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Acid is not a monday night drug
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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