I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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