I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
