I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
