Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
