do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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