how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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